I hate f**king up, I really do. I especially hate f**king up when it hurts a kid or an animal. It hurts to have to sit with it and not have the opportunity to make amends.
Seems amends, or at the very least the attempt to make amends is really important to me… critical to my ability to move on to obsess about something else. The amend that I create in my head, the fantasy if you will, once landed on, plays in a continuous loop in my brain. It will start up at random times throughout the day, like someone dropped a needle on the record. No warning, just an amend attack.
My latest crime against humanity started when I landed at San Marcos with a duffle bag that was too heavy. The guys got it out of the water taxi but then I was faced with having to haul it for blocks up the narrow alley to the tuk tuks. Suddenly we were swarmed by munchkins insisting on doing the hauling for us. I doubted my kid could handle it but he insisted and I wanted to believe he could do it. Delusional. All of us created a parade and up we went.
When got up to the tuk tuks it was madness. I gave the kid 5Q because that is what the old man at Pana asked for. Well all hell broke loose and I had all these kids yelling at me, and the driver demanding to know where I was going and insisting that it was more than 5Q in spite of what my landlord had texted me. ARGHHHH. I freaked. Everything had been going so well I got blindsided by this mild but noisy hiccup. I hunkered down and got stubborn. With my evil bag in the tuk tuk, I jumped in so the driver could try to find out where I was staying since he didn’t recognize the name my landlord had given me. So, landlord – 2 for 2 – not the right price and not the name familiar to drivers :(. The gang of kids were as stubborn as I and were not going away so they jumped on and continued to yammer at me for more money. Tred and confused were my only excuse. We got to the Casa where Miguel (the caretaker) was waiting to show me to my apartment. I shoved some money at the driver and fled.
Later that evening I was given an opportunity to make amends. I had gone back into town for dinner and came across the kid. He immediately started yapping at me again which unfortunately got my hackles up again and since I was even tireder that I was before and hadn’t taken the time to process what happened, I turned my back on the opportunity. f**k
Within 24 hours I had done enough processing to land in a big puddle of guilt. Think about it. I wasn’t sure I could drag that bag up the alley yet I let a 7 year old boy do it? And then gave him 5Q which btw is under $1. I obviously really hurt his feelings and pride and he deserved better treatment than that. He had the heart of a lion, that one. I worry that this experience will tip his inner scales towards bitter and I want no part in that and so we come to the part of unexpressed amends.
I have been looking for him everyday when I go into town with a note wrapped around 20Q with this written on it:
Lamento haperte tratado mal.
I am sorry I treated you badly.
I won’t recognize him I’m afraid, I can only hope he will say something again.
Until then I have an ache in my heart… I can only hope that the amend, if delivered, will give him and I some comfort. I doubt it will absolve me completely but I am determined never to make that mistake again.
The golden rule is to always always always as the price first…. and to be generous.